Age differences and why we should respect them.

'Age ain't nathin but ah numba.'

Yeah how many times have I heard that? And how many times have I heard it by people who are like 18? Let me tell you why age is a rather important factor and why I'll accept your friend request but I don't REALLY wanna be your pal if you're more than 3 years younger than I am.

1337 (l33tsp33k)
Older people are guilty of it too, yes, but it's always the young retards who are the worst offenders. Offenders of the overuse of the letter 'i', as in 'thiis iis Babii Retard b0o'. No, Annie. You look retarded. You can come back with 'well I graduated from high school with honors!'; IGAF. Right here, in this moment..you look retarded, and my dyslexic ass doesn' thave time to decipher what the fuck you're trying to say to me.

COLLOQUIALISMS.
That's a big fancy word for 'slang'. And not so much slang (which I dont understand, but whatever) but 'terms of endearment'. I dunno what it is about my boyish charm or my dashingly handsome face that makes 18 year olds want to call me 'sweetie', 'honey', 'sweetheart', or variations of, but it's got to stop. I'm not 5, you're not grandma; if you want any chance at a conversation you best leave the 'sweetie' to that drooling bastard of a pantywaste that is your own child. I've murdered people for less. * Older women call me sweetie and i flog them mightily as well.

COLLEGE.
So you're going to college/just finished your first year in college. That's great! But I'm 25. I don't give a damn about your education and what you're majoring in/your hardest class/your roommates/your 3.6 and Dean's list recognition. That's wonderful for you and I hope you can put it on your resume, but don't bore me with tales of resident advisors and switching from liberal arts to nursing 'because there's more of a need for it' like your ass is all that noble to begin with. Here's a tip: major in leisure studies for undergrad, then get a masters in the field you really want cuz that's what they're gonna look for. I just saved you 2 years and a shit-ton of dropped classes; you can thank me later when you win that Nobel Peace Prize.

"I know exactly what I want out of life."
If I had a dollar for everytime i heard some youngin tell me that, I wouldn't be sitting at this desk writing this blog. I'd be fucking paid and sitting on a stool formed by sexy-ass butt naked contortionist models dictating this to some sexy-ass bitch with brains who'd be typing it for me. I knew exactly what I wanted out of life when I was 19 too. Now i'm 25 and I can't tell my ass from my forehead. Sometimes they even smell the same. And that's not a bad thing. Life's a journey; embrace that shit. If you know exactly what you want with your life at 18 then more power to you; i wish my chi was that centered when I was fresh outta puberty. But if you want the same thing outta life at 30 that you wanted at 18 then get away from me cuz you're livin in some parallel universe where time stands still and you can spend 12 years wishing for the same shit.

There are probably six million and three other reasons why age difference is important regarding certain levels of maturity/handling situations, politics, financial responsibility, pop culture references, Jordache jeans (the first time around, not the second, you fags.). I'm 25 and I wouldn't date a 20 year old. I also wouldn't date a 35 year old. For what? So she can squeal when a Mary Jane Girls song comes on the radio (where??) and i can sit there lookin dumbfounded and lost as fuck? No thanks. I've got to worry about the maturity level/all-around 'mental togetherness' of a 32 year old who would want anything more than sex from a 19 year old. (and even that's pushin it.)I'm just being honest. Like, not saying people of different ages can't be friends, because that's definitely not the case; most of my friends are near or over 35. But in those formative years (not the 12-18 ones, but the 18-24 ones) 9 times out of ten you're not interesting enough to be able to maintain a friendship with anyone over 23. I wasn't, none of my bratty 20 year old friends were, and now that i'm old (hah...) I'm able to look at it from the other side and be like 'damn i would NOT wanna be 27 and be hangin out with a 19 year old. How Chester is THAT!?'

*Other things I've also murdered for include:
Looking through my phone
Borrowing my red chucks without asking
drinking the last orange/peach soda
ordering cheese and mayo on my burger/sandwich
cooking the bacon too long
cooking the bacon not long enough (i'm particular about my bacons)
scratching any of my Meshell NDegeocello or Pixies CDs
talking while Grey's is on
talking while commercials about Grey's is on
talking while someone else is talking about Grey's on television
the word 'cobalt'
packing seeds
usage of 'conversate' and 'irregardless'
not tipping your pizza man
not saying 'NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!' when appropriate
leaving the cap off my Play Doh allowing it to dry out