my turn.

Maybe it's because I read too much fanfic or watch too much television lately but I don't want to make the first move anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm coercing a girl to like me/wanna kiss me. I want the next woman to decide she can't go another minute without kissing me and just grab my face nad plant it on me. Ok maybe not like that. But. I'm tired of having to do all the work. I don't feel like anyone has any genuine interest in me; i've never been approached or asked out; I've always done all the legwork (unless it was some random broad on the internet.) I'm tired of that. I want to be pursued. I'm generally dominant, but it doesn't mean that I don't like it when a girl expresses some sort of interest in me every once in a while. I don't wanna do it anymore. I'm tired of being nervous and uncool and rejected. And i'm overeating. Not like a fat girl eating her pain or anything, but it didn't occur to me that i've been overeating until I realized that I'm not hungry anymore. I haven' tbeen hungry in days before I started shoving food in my mouth. I ate a sandwich last night. Then I ate like, a plate of meatloaf and potatoes 40 minutes later. Today I went to a chili cookoff and ate my weight in chili, then left and went and had a chilidog and a milkshake. Nevermind the fact that my body is cursing me out for that last meal. For the past 7 hours I've had to consciously force myself not to eat. I can't even tell if I'm hungry or if i'm just bored or being wierd. I know. It's wierd because I weigh like, 122 lbs, but. If my metabolism wasn't that of a 6 year old meth orphan with ADHD, i'd be about 600 lbs today. I'm out of cigarettes. I really want a cigarette. I'm frustrated. I've gotten back into the habit of masturbating and for a while it was great, but now that familiar feeling of patheticness and frustration has set in and everytime I do it I get upset that I can't get laid. And excuse me for sounding cocky but I happen to think I'm one of the best catches in this city. (Goddamnit that's cocky but I really feel like that.) Le sigh, man.
I'm gonna watch move Grey's Anatomy (because we know I'm is obsessed.) and I'll probably end up eating six pounds of cheese in about an hour.

Rihanna and CBrown. Because who doesn't have commentary?

I have concerns about that. Like most of us. What shocks me most (and probably most people) is the fact that most of his fanbase are girls aged 7-15. I'd like to say he ruined his career, and obviously his endorsements have been pulled, but as far as record sales, because of how we view abuse, I don't see sales tapering off drastically. Anyway I say all that to say this: I don't watch BET or any music TV stations, but have they done a PSA against domestic violence yet? Because I think since this popped off, and given his prominence in the media and popularity among little girls, they need to have done a domestic violence PSA as SOON as that news broke because domestic abuse is rampant in the black community (well, in all communities) but we're the most likely to accept it as a part of life, like back in the day when granddad used to beat grandma's ass and 'that's just how he was'; everyone turned the other cheek. This isn't 1945 anymore. Women still get their asses beat by men (and sometimes other women, but that's a whole different post.) and people still turn the other cheek; we still act like 'that's white folks shit' or 'that's all men are exposed to', and because rap music and black media in general is misogynistic, it makes it seem like it's acceptable. So anyone, has there been a PSA regarding this on BET, TVOne or whatever yet?

Yeah i copy/pasted that from another blog I wrote it in, but I have more to add. But now i'm incredibly sleepy so yeah. Gnite!

Truly Madly Deeply.

Ok how wack is this; i'm still madly in love with my ex. Like, MADLY. We broke up like, in November and still I can't imagine being with anyone except her. And no duh I don't expect to be over her in three months; I know it doesn't work like that. But. I expected it to fade a little at least, but it hasn't. We were wierd. I want to be wierd with her. Together. I can't imagine anyone else in that spot.
Not to say i can't imagine screwing other people, cuz I totally would like to screw. I like screwing. But it's gonna be so....so long before I get in another relationship oh God I was like, ridiculously invested in this relationship. Well, not 'ridiculously', I was justifiably invested. Dure. But i mean, shit. It's gonna take me a really REAALLY long time to get over this woman, which is suckish. I would love nothing more than for us to have worked out; than for us to work out. But there are fundamental differences, i guess. I suppose we grew? Or outgrew? Or something? I can't even..I dunno. I regret. I feel like we hit a slump, but it was a long slump, and. Bleh. I didn't have a job for a while; I wasn't doing anything productive; i felt like she could do better. I was frustrated because I didn't have any friends... I dunno. I feel like I have more to offer now, and will have even more so after I start working again, this time a real-live grown-up job. I feel like things will get better for us after I move out, but then i remember this is no 'us'. But everytime I think 'hey we could totally work out', we're so different. We compliment each other, and it's wonderful. But I don't want her to worry. And I think she always worried. We both made sacrifices; big ones. There were friends that i forwent (that's not a word) making because I thought she'd think I was trying to screw other people...I could tell when she was holding something back from me (not in a shady way, just in a 'avoid confrontation' way) which made it hard to figure stuff out. We both agreed that we shouldn't have moved in together. We didnt' move in out of 'ooh let's U-Haul!' we moved in because we didn't wanna live in the dorms anymore and were too broke for rent on our own. Anyway. I love her. Like stupid crazy much. And I think she knows it. And i'm a little conflicted between thinking we could totally make it work and knowing it wouldn't. And besides, she's moving in August, and I'm moving soon after, and it's a stupid crazy indecisive thing to break up and get back together like 12 year olds and television.

..And I know all the words to 'De Colores'.

So I was on AfterEllen (because i'm a little bit obsessed) and someone posted this here quiz:

http://www.colorquiz.com/

So there are no questions, just a bunch of colors, you pick them in order that yuo like, then you pick them again in the order that you like. And based on your order they have all these preconceived notions about what's goin on in that big sexy brain-a-yearn. I took it, and it was a little disconcerting how accurate it was, not because 'ooh it's the internet and I feel like the KGB is watchin me' or some shit, but because it's stuff I already know about my sitcheeashins and whatnot.


Proceed.

Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Your Stress Sources

An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Your Restrained Characteristics

The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.

Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.

Your Desired Objective

Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

Your Actual Problem

Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives her into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.

So Lemme 'splain.

I mean, it basically explains itself. I have a job now, (thank de lawd) and I can't WAIT to start that shit. I always had these shit jobs, and I stayed at them for like, 4 months tops because I knew I was expendable. I dont' like being expendable. They were always 'crew members' or 'team workers', but really anyone can do that shit. It took like, no skill. The jobs were flexible and easy to get. So now I have a real job where I get to do stuff and feel needed WHICH, is great because i'm getting tired of feeling like I can be replaced, or like i'm in the way. And i'm tired of being bored. I want to go on roadtrips; that whole exhiliration thing? Completely true. Like, if someone wanted to take me skydiving, or give me a really cool project at work, or offer me a line of coke that I was certain wasn't amped with rat poison, I'd totally accept! Because I'm stagnant and it's driving me insane.! And here I was trying to convince myself that I was just being lazy and full of shit when I wasn't working, or when things weren't changing. It occured to me about two weeks ago that no, I wasn't being trifling like I was trying to make myself feel I was, but I really needed to clear my head. Not the Callies Torres method of clearing my head (although some sex would not have been turned down if the person is considerably attractive), but nothing was happening not because I wasn't trying, but because I didn't know which direction to start from. I didn't have money to move, I couldn't find a job here or there, my resume sucked, I wasn't QUITE finished with school so I couldn't say I was, and people kept calling me for money I didn't have which was stressing me out and pissing me off and making my head inside parts all muddled and crazy, and I was sexually frustrated and thought I was ugly, which sounds minor, but I hated my hair and didn't wanna interview anyone because I couldn't get my hair to look right. But now I have a job. So. Now, for the first time ever, I have a plan. And I don't do plans. I don't haev dates; that'll just piss me off. But I know that I'm trying to figure out where I want to move next year, and I'm going to finish up my degree next year when I get some money, and I cut my hair slightly, so it looks a ton better, and I'm not really worried about sex because I'm in Mobile and that'll never happen because everyone here is either boo'd, psycho or has the syph. and lately I've made some pretty cool friends, and that's bettered my mood considerably, although when I think about the fact that I just met these awesome people and they're moving to Denver in March, i get a little peeved considering one lived in my same dorm building like four years ago and we TOTALLY coulda been roaddogs but that's neither here nor thurr. Anyway, point is, 2008 sucked. I don't usually do the whole 'new year new me' thing because I think it you wanna change, a year is a long-ass time to wait to do it. But things just so happened to work out toward the end of last year, effectively making 2009 my year. Anyway. My dog has to pee. I'm going now.

All the world's a stage.

Ok so the Prez has been in office for like, four days, right? And man people are like, really focused on what, or WHO Michelle is wearing, what colors her kids are wearing, what they order on their burgers, Sasha doesn't like strawberry milkshakes and Melia (yeah i butchered that spelling) watches Law and Order:SVU but doesn't like Criminal Intent. My point is, I love being a voyeur, but only for porn. I don't want to know this much about the famous. I don't want to know this much about the president's kids. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't like this much personal information about them just being out there for everyone to see. I feel like everyone should be allowed to some privacy, and especially as girls who're about to enter their teenage years? I don't want the media to be covering her first period or something (because I really think they'd go that far.) I feel like even though they are the First family, they should have a right to privacy. I know they've only been in office for four days so everything is still new and hopefully and shiny, but an unsolicited peek into their privates lives to find out that the youngest hates pickles is too much for me.

Crank that Section 8.

So I got my first grown-up job, right? But the pay is definitely NOT grown-up pay. In fact, I'm gonna make so little that I'm gonna qualify for section 8 AND food stamps. So you know what?

Party at my Projex!!



I'm totally gonna apply for section-8 housing and food stamps, and I'm gonna have friends visit me in the projects, and on the first of each month I'll go up to the office and pay my $16 in rent, then stock up on rices and cheap meat with my EBT.
Is it wrong that I'm totally excited about this section-8 that's about to go down? Cuz seriously ifi can get this section-8 then it doesn't matter that i make a tiny amount of money cuz then I can still afford to pay my car note and try to have it fixed part by part and all. (and go to JazzFest in New Orleans in April to see Erykah Badu and Kings of Leon and DMB and EWF)
So yeah. I was informed to request that I NOT be placed in Mobile Terrace, as I'll probably be raped, beaten, murdered and exanguinated in the first 5 hours.
So yeah when i move in, i'm gonna make a video of my new hood, yo! *chunks up los deuces*

08 Favorite Albums de le 08.

Since it's over and all I thought I'd really list my favorites from 08. Because there was some utter crap out there, but there was also some pretty awesome shit.

1. Sam Sparro - I've totally mentioned him before. He's all electro and has a pretty distinct voice..like a poppier Jamiroquai, who i love dearly. 'Black & gold' '21st Century Life' 'Cottonmouth' are tracks you should check out.



2. Adele - The first time i heard her was 'Hometown Glory' on Grey's Anatomy and I was like 'Holy smokes! Who Dis ih??' So yeah. Her voice is amazing. If Duffy's voice was less chipmunkesque, she'd sound like Adele. 'Tired' 'Hometown Glory' and 'Melt to Stone'.



3. Born Ruffians - Their album 'Red Yellow Blue'. It's unrefined and honest and I loves it. 'This Song will Make/Ruin your life' and 'Barnacle Goose' are my favorites.



4. Kings of Leon - By now everyone knows 'Sex on Fire'. I downloaded their album and it's been a while since I've head an album where every song on it was great. This man's voice..it's like Paolo Nutini with more edge. And I'm in love. 'Notion' and 'I Want You'.



5. Santogold - I just liked the album cover. So I got the album. And I loved it. Not much to say; everyone's heard of her. If you haven't checked out the Diplo vs.Santogold mixtape, I suggest you get that ass to a torrent and snatch it.



6. Vampire Weekend - I like how they use atypical instruments but still manage to keep their sound clear and simple. Their album's only like, 35 minutes long, which is perfect IMO. 'A-Punk' 'Mansard Roof' and 'Bryn'.



7. Ida Maria - she sounds strung out. Her voice is rough and her music is felt. 'I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked' 'Keep me Warm' and 'Louie'.



8. Black Kids - OMG their music makes me spazz around like a 'tard! I can't really pick a favorite because..they're just all great. The whole album.



Honorable mentions:
Rihanna "Good Girl Gone Bad" - that girl OWNED the summer, yall.
MGMT "Oracular Spectacular"- catchy music. 'The Youth' and 'Electric Feel' mostly.
TV On the Radio "Dear Science"- really good from what i've listened. 'Crying' 'Stork and Owl' 'DLZ'
Pendulum "In Silico" - if you like drum n bass, check out 'Different' and 'Tempest'
Stars "In Our Bedroom After the War" - their songs convey a poignant message in few words. I love it.
White Denim - their sound is junky and unfinished. just. all-around fun.
Portishead "Third" - i've had it for a while but i JUST got around to listening to it..it's pretty great. It's been ten years since their last release so it's totally welcome.
Global Noize "Global Noize" - if you're into jazz/instrumental music, it's got great music with world music influence. It's got John Popper (harmonica guy from Blues Traveler) and MeShell NDegeocello on it.